The type of person I imagine reading this blog is the type of person that I assume has seen Julie & Julia. I loved that movie. I don’t think of myself as recreating Julie’s quest, cooking her way through The Art of French Cooking but I do like the idea that she gave herself a year to finish her project.
My ‘project’ is a spiritual journey. I’m going to give myself a year to decide if I am going to take the formal plunge to join the Episcopal Church. I don’t take this journey lightly. I am a mixture of doubt and conviction. The conviction is harder to deal with than the doubt. I’ve always admired some people with strong faith.
Some people with strong faith seem like childish, brain-washed ‘yes men and women’ that I would hardly admire. On the other hand, some people with strong faith have the same questions that I have but have an innate trust in the Almighty that I truly admire. Doubt is almost a side-issue for me. I decided a long time ago that I may always have doubt but that I would ‘choose’ to believe during the times that belief was the hardest. My struggle will come with my convictions.
Some people with strong faith seem like childish, brain-washed ‘yes men and women’ that I would hardly admire. On the other hand, some people with strong faith have the same questions that I have but have an innate trust in the Almighty that I truly admire. Doubt is almost a side-issue for me. I decided a long time ago that I may always have doubt but that I would ‘choose’ to believe during the times that belief was the hardest. My struggle will come with my convictions.
My parents were both Protestant converts to Catholicism. I was raised in an observant Catholic home that lacked some of the ‘piety’ one might find in a home run by ‘Cradle Catholics.’ My parent’s families’ lack of Catholicism – and more to the point – their fullness of born-again Christianity made me question my faith from a very early age. Was I saved? Was my immediate family’s Catholicism a ticket to heaven or a one way ticket to the fires of hell? This is a lot for a 10 year old to deal with but in the end I’m sure all of these questions did more good than harm. It made me search for answers.
I found the answers in an old closet full of old books. Looking back I’m sure that most 12 year old boys were not reading The Baltimore Catechism in the late 1980’s. At the time it didn’t seem that extraordinary. And the answers it provided were easy! Question 1: Who made the world? God! Question 2: Who is God? The Creator of the world! etc! These answers were good news to my 12 year old brain. I realize now that the answers in the Baltimore Catechism, correct or incorrect, are pretty simplistic and not enough to satisfy a faith that would be challenged over the years.
But there is one question that seems to be harder to get over (conviction wise) and that is Question 10: How shall we know the things which we are to believe? We shall know the things which we are to believe from the Catholic Church, through which God speaks to us.
Hmm. I know, I know… how could this be the ‘hard one’ for me? It always made sense to me. I mean if you’re actually going to believe that God decided to become a person then how far-fetched is it to believe that God would leave the Church to take care of that belief? My cousins who had challenged my faith with the ‘are you saved’ questions couldn’t boast an institution as old as the Catholic Church. And it was big! Yeah there had been schisms and heresies but ‘The Church’ had pretty much held together. Good for it!
So what is a gay Catholic to do? I want to participate fully in the life of the church while at the same time participate fully in the life that the Creator gave to me.
Only time will tell. The church year started on Sunday and I thought that this would be a great place to start my own discernment process as well. Happy New Year!
